2004-02-03 - 6:46 p.m.

I dont know how to cry out when I need it or how to explain the forlorn feeling in my heart. Why I am around all of these people that are dear to me and yet feel so completely alone and out of touch to all of them. Maybe it is because I dont want anybody right now? But that is silly because I want only one person right now, and I have needed him all day today, just for a hug. A completele, friendly, loving, hug. I did not want to be let go, ever. It felt safer there, I felt more calm and it didnt seem like I needed to be put in a straight jacket any more.

I felt like pulling at my already limp hair, driving my nails into my skin adn biting my unhealed lip. I wanted to go running because of the frustration that was building up. It was this horrible feeling of not being good enough, of not having enough attention and approval. Its nice to recieve a compliment once in a while and to feel appreciated, like someone actually needs you to be there for them. I dont feel needed. And I have redeveloped this pathetic phobia for the phone again because I literally fear the screaming silence that drives itself into my brain....God....i feel so removed and so insignificant. It tries my patience and it sets me off. I have a fiery temper thanks to my father.

I am also developing an obsession with someone who in all essense is a ghost to me.

When I said run away with me I was dead serious. I dont know why but you were an essential to me in that moment because I had reached some inexplicable low and i needed someone to pull me out. I needed the comfort of human touch and speech. To just be. I will be lucky if I get through this week.

Laughing at my inability to operate.

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