2004-02-25 - 6:29 p.m.

I take everything personally, and hold the blade to close to my heart... It isnt a wonder that I emerged bruised and battered after the onslaught of my own mind and words misinterpreted. I am distresssed first of all because things are slowly dying around me. I have lost one person more or less, and he cant even keep to a conversation on the phone, the other one is driving me farther and farther away... I am left with my sunshine and this coldness that is slowly slipping over my heart. I have love for him, them, everyone (but im not talking about everyone).

You make it so hard for me to fight against, so hard to change a situation that I am uncomfortable with because it feels like we have lowered this intense bond to the level of rotting fruit. It never did feel stale before and now, so quickly, it has died... Dead. That is so final. A part of me mourns like it does for the loss of her (but nowhere near that intensity of pain)...I hate it when you are so near, so close at hand, how you have that which is necessary to reach me sometimes and most of all I hate the way you just dont try. That tears me apart.

But I am in love with life. Other than that I am so happy, and it seems like a wonderland. My body is feeling the pains of hunger that I cannot seem to fill, already after three days I am fatigued. Mom is trying to feed me everything...Its annoying.

I have work to do.

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what happened - what will happen