2004-03-04 - 9:22 p.m.

I know how Desdemona must have felt when her perfect Moor first uttered the words of anger and filth. I know the things that must have ran through her mind. I do not feel betrayed by the person as much as I feel let down by my fantasies and my expectations. I was thinking about the things that I wanted to accomplish, the thigns that I wanted to keep close to me and I realized that they are too complicated and in some cases very unrealistic. I fear moments like this that reinforce the idea in my mind that ya s toboi are just too weak, chto mi nekogda ne smojem sdelat' chto zateili... Understand? no, i do not expect anybody to. Ego vera, the almost blind faith in this meeting is so...frightening. I do not know if I can pull that off, I do not just want to pull it off I want it TO BE, TO WORK through the way that i intend it to.

It may sound like lack of morality on my behalf, trust me for I am honest. Stupid, naive Desdemona. I feel myself being angry with her because she is everything that I think i wanted to be... but not naive, and you cant be her without that childish approach to humanity.

Quite frankly, you terrify me. You terrify me when you act that way because I know that there are so many things that I have not seen, and you are as much of a mystery as you had been from the time that I met you. How much do I really know? I am afraid of you, afraid of what you are capable of when you are in that state. Again I think of how needed I am in this role that I play. What is my purpose here? I will not approach you..

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what happened - what will happen