2004-03-05 - 7:02 p.m.

this morning the sun was really bright, almost like on the crisp winter mornings when you wake up to see freshly fallen snow in front of your bedroom window. But, today, instead of snow there was this majestic display of clouds that were busy being blown around the world. They were moving really fast, and I just thought about how much we try to control things, and how powerless we are with nature

That was random. Come to think of it, the pregnant sky could have been the foreshadowing of the day that let ahead of me, of the life that seemed to gather uncontrollable speed around me and leave me hanging on to reality. There is no such thing as control over emotions and events for me and maybe that is the reason for all of my (as jeremy puts it) 'neurotic' cleaning and organizing. Its really sad but it does seem that the only good reason that I do the things that I do is to display some power, the ability to control something trifling and seemingly unimportant. Its as if order in my room will inevitably give me order in my life.

So many things went wrong today. N was right for telling me that I take school to seriously, and he was an angel for giving me chocolate... Its pathetic, but chocolate is uplifting. I cant believe that i was to tired to realize that I completed a wrong homework assignment, and assignment that was previously assigned...I did suck a half assed job on it, but (laughing at myself) my second take on it was far more productive and educational. Im an IDIOT. Da, moi dorogoi, its not the end of the world, and its probably not that important either. But i tried to get my act together, and I tried to concetrate and in return i failed. Ill try it again sometime to make it all work.

I slept deeply on the yearbook floor, and gave up on school from that moment forth. Lovely.

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what happened - what will happen