2004-03-09 - 1:18 p.m.

Let the beautiful lines of the Tintern Abbey soothe my weary mind. I love Wordsworth, he writes so beautifully that the words roll off of your tongue creating a world so full of life, comfort and passion. Its not to say that my life lacks passion, I am quite alive-be it with the wounded beating of my heart for the pains caused by those who were nearest to me or with the joy and wonder of seeing the person who serves as my rock, the embodiment of everything that is good and beautiful. But I lack comfort, a peace of mind. I am so torn apart again, lost in a world that is supposed to be filled with caring, compassionate faces. There was a time when I felt like I could be completely open and free with my friends, that I could talk without being judged, that I could look into their eyes and not cringe with shame for the evils that I apparently commited. I do not know who to go to to talk, I am not sure if he will turn their backs on me in my dire hour of need. I know that people come and go all the time, that faces are replaced and all that you remember is the memories that you shared... I will be the person that I am, I will never change unless I deem it necessary. I do not think it is so at this moment. Hypocrispy reings freely in the heart of one who is near to me in body. I do not understand anymore, and my idea of friendship has been shaken considerably. I am wearing black for the person that I have lost, I am remembering the good times because things as I have known them are dead, and they will never return to what they once was. There will be no understanding, I listen but I cannot change, will not change. You accuse me of the same things that I can accuse you of, change, my milui is a process of growth. I have become introverted because of certain events. I have decided to keep beautiful happy moments to myself, I do not want to share my private thoughts and emotions because they are my own. I understand what Regina meant about being strong internally, being able to carry yourself without the help of others. There is no use to share every single detail of your life at every single moment of the day. I do not feel comfortable with that anymore. I have learned so much during the last couple of months about relationships, be it with family, with my darling and with friends. You cannot hold it against me for changing, for withdrawing into myself. You do not know me anymore if you cannot see that deep inside there is still the person that you met so long ago. The inner essence of my being is still the same. Still the same desires, needs, aspirations... Still me, the only thing is i have allowed myself to grow. And I like what I have become.

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what happened - what will happen