2004-03-14 - 5:45 p.m.

There are no outside forces that are disturbing me, yet I am the one reaching out to people trying to make contact to share the interesting revelations and the bizarre sights that I have seen. So we are social creatures indeed, and not talking with the people that I care about is literally eating me up. I have called so many people, I have 'run away', yet I cannot mitigate that bereft and forlorn feeling.

Yes, Im trying to get out there, to turn myself inside out, but who is out there? I feel so strange and so jittery, couldnt decide for the longest time if I should put a period or an exclamation point at the end of a sentence that carried so much weight. If it was to be a period then it would sound much to grave and final for my taste, as if I was trying to say that this is the final moment and the final expression of emotion.... But an exclamation point carries excitement, hints off the beautifully light feeling of lovers words floating on a gentle spring breeze. The only problem was that it sounds too bubbly for my mood and I was left perplexed thinking 'Period? OR Exclamation point?'

I have not been that insecure for a long time, and why did I have to be so damn nervous anyway, a period does not mean that I want to kill myself. gosh. what is the use if I do not get a phone call, something as simple as a phone call to see if I am still, in fact, living. It would have been a nice gesture to show someone that you care, especially after making me promise that I will show myself and allow myself to be caught. I dont know why this bothers me... Its not important.

The fact is, when you are alone in an apartment you start to think about how everything and everybody is so removed from you... I need to go to Ushinka again.

Im just blue.

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