2004-03-18 - 12:57 p.m.

Do I exist? Needed? A vital part of at least one person's life? Probably.

I feel wasted, alone, sad, tired, hopeless, hopeful, lacking trust, miserably, angry, unsatisfied, cold, ugly. I do not feel that I have any self worth again. We are back to square one, this whole chronic unhappiness is soo annoying, so unlike me. I cant snap out of it, I can wake up, I cant stop building up walks of protection and I cannot talk to people. Why on earth did I tell when three people seemed to know in the manner of periods?

I want to disappear. Nothing really matters right now. My family is falling apart again, and for the first time I stood up for what I believed in but was shot down by my father. i was so afraid that he would strike at me because I was standing up for a life that he could not agree with. i am so frustrated. my home is not my home, I have none. There is no place that I feel completely comfortable in. Everything is an attack an affront to me.

I am so confused, and stressed out. I dont want to hurt, or to put pressure on. I dont want to complain, but I want to advance. I dont want to pretend that I am happy that I am comfortable. I am not. I am the black sheep, I am the unwanted. I am pathetic, unfocused, depressed. I am really lost. Nothing makes sense to me.

I just want to disappear.

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