2004-04-04 - 4:27 p.m.

I decided just now that nothing matters much, nothing except the comforts that are offered to you by the people that you would sacrifice almost anything for. Things has changed, oh, Gospodi...kak vse izmenilos'... Sophomore year I remember discussing this with Cassie and now it seems so silly and. Nothing that I am saying right now makes sense does it?

I am happy, but there is a small part of me thatis carrying this painful hurt. Im doing a phenomenal job at containing all of it, I am sad. I have lost. I have gained. I have lost and gained. I am in love... Love? yes.

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I am deeply annoyed because I can write letters to people and never get replies. I would like to recieve answers once in a while, to see what people think if they understand what it was that I took the trouble to explain to them....But no. No letters. A nice disconnectedness from the world. Missed phone calls, unreturned phone calls. Nightmares, painful boredom, and the fear of stopping lest my troubles and the chaos in my mind gets some attention. I need to leave my home. I need to start over, and college is not soon enough. I have outgrown this. Mom knows it, she senses it the way moms do... I am not what i was, i am not what she believed me to be-much more and much different than what she thought- things...things have unravelled. They were scotch taped together carelessly but now they are torn apart. Damn. She does not treat me like her baby anymore, but more like her equal. Good? Maybe, but i like to be babied. Now she teaching me, preparing me for the life that I have choosen for myself.

It sounds like i am dying. I am not. I am content, satisfied for the time being, and I have the steady steady constant and source of all happiness always by my side. I love him. I love my mom.

š

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what happened - what will happen