2004-04-13 - 2:42 p.m.

I have died twice today and came back to a world were the only thing that welcomes me is the sound of anger filled voices and screams. My own screams blend in with them making a harmonious howl that doesnt come anywhere near representing the viod and pain inside of me. I feel myself being eaten alive, knowing that I had committed some kind of evil, destroyed something pure because I was the carrier of satanic purpose. There is nothing in myself that stopped me or gave me strength when I most needed it. I screamed at the Gospod' for leaving me when I needed support the most, then i begged for forgiveness for the multitudes of sins that I had committed today. I feel myself burning with guilt and betrayal, I feel hate seething through me, coursing through my black blood. There is no good in me, I am a pathetic creature, a waste of material, a useless senseless being. My capacity to love is cancelled out and overcome by the overruling force of darkness. I am nothing to be adored, I do not deserve what I have. My insides are collapsing, my heart is barely beating and I would rather lie myself on the concrete, feeling the dark stones and dirt seep into my, accept my being...I would wait for something to hit me, kill me, cause me physical pain and rid of this dirty existance.

Forgive me.

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