2004-04-24 - 9:10 p.m.

I do not feel happy, or even aware that the deadlines are in a week. Its almost a hundered percent probably that he will be moved up and that my financial problem would be solved...Thats all good. But hes freaking out on me, becoming very conservative, bringing down his hand like an iron fist and having too much interest in my life. I fear him with every bone in my body, I fear of igniting his wrath... Most of it is ridiculous too, things that are so trivial. I dont know what to do anymore, I havent spoken to him in such a long time and he doesnt know me at all. Its been to long and it cannot be solved. The fear that I have had since that day I stood in Alexander Hamilton staring at Mt Wilson and crying my eyes out because he could not recognize my efforts is still there...just more pronounced. I wish i had a normal father... I am proud of his achievements and his intelligence and stubborness that got us to the US, but I admire him from the eyes of an acquaintance...

I just feel rotten for being so removed from him, for betraying my role as his daughter... With everything else, its just too much.

š

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what happened - what will happen