2004-04-25 - 9:00 p.m.

What would the world be like if I was the only person in existance? If everything and everyone else was swept off by a catastrophe?

I am in a strange mood, mostly, I feel as if I was displaced. The surroundings that I am in offer me no comfort, instead they accentuate my agitation and force me to lash out on inanimate objects. I beat up my huge teddy, then buried my head in his huge soft belly to muffle my screams. I feel asleep there afterwards, comforted by the plush and fake fur. I do not feel attached to anyone (well, maybe one person, but not completly)and every motion is done with disattachment. I am not happy, I do not know where my future lies and can honestly say that the next year will ruin us all. I need to grow up, learn to be on my own.

I keep on thinking of what will be. I am wondering about the choices that I have made and that I am still making. Maybe it is because I acutely feel my vulnerability at the moment, ya boyus' poteryat' ego. I know that that would be too much and I would withdraw from my life, and only see shades of gray.

Mom said I grew up too fast, that these last years flew by. She sees me as a girl that ran to her with scabs and battlewounds that needed healing, but now I am a woman... Its strange because we talk on the level of little girls sometimes, giggling hysterically about silly things. But then we sit down and talk about the secrets of our femininity, the world that only the two of us can share joined by the bond of blood.

I lack my most cherished medium. I dream about it and obsess about it. My dreams are a limbo between reality and fantasy. But somehow I wish I was normal again, so that I can again reach the calm that only my love could give me. There is absolutely nothing like plunging into its cool water, and withdrawing from the world to maintain a sense of sanity and physical wellbeing.

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what happened - what will happen