2004-05-14 - 10:15 a.m.

To collapse right now on the dirty and infested floor of the yearbook office right now would be a luxury that my life just cannot give. There is so much going on, so much anger and frustration at myself and my family. I have transformed into something that is so unlike myself, so far from what I want to be, so dead, pessimistic, weak, broken. I want to change that, to get myself together, to not feel tears arriving over silly trivial matters. But my body burns, and my mind hurts and my emotions are all aroused, there is simply no time to bring myself back down to earth-whatever that happens to mean. The highlights of my day these past few days are the stolen moments that I have with sanity, stolen because i could use them to get ahead, to become more prepared, to learn the duties that I must preform. If it was not for those 15 minutes every day i would be lost right now, drinking tranqs all the time, trying to stop my heart from hearting-literally, my hands from shaking, and my head from spinning. I have made lists, a dozen of them, of things that have to get done but I do not have time to complete them because I am not home until 9:15, at which point the bed beckons to me like a beacon, and I fall into the comfort of pillows and teddy bears. My muscles ache, my joints feel really strange and I am afraid of rookie training. I am afraid of the pushups and the rowing, afraid of not getting a job- i am in desperate need of one... I dont really want to do the CPD, but if all of my other options exhaust themselves then I will. Summer of work and pain? lovely. But who knows, it might not be that bad.

I have a D in programming. What in the fucking world is that all about. I complete ever assigment, or rather, i turn in every assigment even if it was completed by somebody else for me. But Its always in on time, and about 90%. I know I turned in those worksheets, they were completed. I remember because I fucking read the boring ass chapters and answered my questions by myself. I would remember because those where the only assigments that I could complete without the support of my peers. Goddamit. Theres shit due for his class today tht I do not understand, and a program- that i will have to copy. Theres also applications to write, resumes to send out, essays to write, books to read, notes to complete, projects to due, tests to pass, uofc lab reports to write up... God, there isnt even enough time to shoot myself if I wanted to.

I know I have to breathe, keep going, find the strength withing myself to complete the things that are required of me. There is just too much, and I am so annoyed at the things that I am going to be missing. I dont feel alive, rather, something nearing the walking dead.

Another thing. ya tebya nenaviju. You can just go fuck your life away and it will be of no consequence to me.

š

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what happened - what will happen