2004-09-03 - 10:19 a.m.

Do you know how terrible it feels or even worse actually being isolated from everybody and everything around you? Yesterday I as I was writing a letter to a friend of mine I realized just how much my life has come to change in these last couple of days. I am entirely removed from everything I hold dear. Thoughts about my family, even though they caused me so many nervous breakdowns and useless pains, bring this melancholy into my heart, and for a second it melancholy actually seems to acquire actual physical characteristics as it wraps it long weaving arms around every single part of me. I hear their voices in my head and sometimes it is as if they never left... But the fact is they are indeed gone, along with the rest of my relatives they have been removed from me. And that is so painful for me. I know I will see my mother, and talk to my brother but I no longer live with them, and although that has its ups, I know it has its downs. Mostly, I think about how the ties I have to my mother may be severed. That I would be to selfish and absorbed in myself to call her and tell her about the wonderful things that happened, the people that I met, and that she would no longer be my steady pillar of support when some sort of personal disaster strikes. My aunts and grandmother, my uncles and cousins are so much farther now. There is no means of communication with the other world that I love and miss so much.

Yesterday I felt so terrible, I was sick physically, and emotionally I was just removed. I suppose that I need to find somebody to open up to, someone who could share my burden along side me... But I am afraid of something. My elementary school fear of interaction is back, it isnt as if I do not talk to people, I do... But I have grown so unused to talking about things that bother me-mostly because I feel as if I am complaining to damn much about something that would not matter in the long run- that I simply cannot find the words.

Again, the whole thing about individualistic society... about striving for your own personal goals and not giving two shits about the person next to you. Its been on my mind. Maybe I do not care as much as I should about the people around me. I am really focused on getting through one day at a time that I really have not noticed anyone's hardships, moods. I feel like an island even though I read that "no man is an island onto themselves". I was reading this poem by Ralph Waldo Emerson called "Each and All", i am not usually an admirer of his works, but this poem touched me so deeply. It seemed to address all of things that I was thinking about. THe message was so clear "All are needed by each one,-/Nothing is fair or good alone." I suppose that the problem is that I do feel like I am alone... This verse was beautiful:

The delicate shells lay on the shore;
The bubbles of the latest wave
Fresh pearls to their enamel gave,
And the bellowing of the savage sea
Greeted their safe escape to me.
I wiped away the weeds and foam-
I fetched my sea-born treasures home;
But the poor, unsightly, noisome things
Had left their beauty on the shore
With the sun and the sand and the wild uproar.

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what happened - what will happen