2004-09-16 - 4:28 p.m.

My loneliness here is overpowering, and adding to the confusion, I sometimes forget how to breathe. I complicated my life, or rather, life has complicated itself. I do not know what to do exactly and because of that I think that Im sinking.

Here, I feel invisible. Very few people know me well enough to see through my masks, at least my friends are not here to see how fake I have become. I hide within myself now, seek refuge in places that there are none. There is only one thing that brings me heat, reminds me of passion, and awakens me for this slumber. I am depressed. I feel so guilty and selfish. I feel like a small child who just entered this world and could not find the strength to take its very first breaths.

Instead I read. Books, lectures, optional reading. I study: movement science, calculus, speech, Russian. Those are the things that keep me from loosing my mind, those are the things that will preserve anything that still resembles sanity within me.

No, this is not hopeless. But I feel so alone. Empty. Sad.

Theres light on the horizon, something that was rather unexpected but is offering me warm rays of sunshine. But I do not seem to appreciate anything that comes my way. I am conceited, wrapped in a self protective bubble wrap. God forbid I let down my walls and let someone into my heart.

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