2004-09-20 - 9:23 a.m.

I lost him.

The world has lost its color and settles into monotonous shades of gray. It is if my world has been covered with fine dust that fell slowly and steadily upon me in the same way that the snow does in the winter. I feel cold inside, the very things that have propelled me on, that gave me the strength to find ways to exist and have fun have erased themselves. Now, I am completely alone. Nobody would understand the way that my soul is plunging through infinities of darkness. Nobody would be able to see why I did not go to class, why I did not eat. The way I feel now is almost paralizing. I feel as if somebody stole my soul from me, and left my body, my meat empty and devoid of life.

His voice through me into fits of hysterics, hypervenitilation and momentary blackout. I think I may have glimpsed what kind of loneliness accompanies a person at death, what kind of darkness they are immersed in when they are screaming out for God to give them strength and to help them. I frightened my friends because I had a crazed look in my eyes, a look that was much better suited for an animal looking for a way to preserve itself.

Its been a day since I felt like I had life under control and I knew exactly how to act. But in about 3 hours it would be a day since I began to cry because of a fatal mistake, a wrong choice of words, and sheer stupidity.

I have destroyed something sacred. There is nothing left for me to do but to pray and to hope that by some grace of the gods I will be given another chance to make amends. If I am good enough for it I will try my hardest, without the uncertainty, the useless drama and the ridiculous thoughts.

But right now, I sit and write pages, crying to myself, and wishing I could die. Because what I feel now is worse than anything man could ever imagine.

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what happened - what will happen