2004-09-24 - 2:43 p.m.

Things have changed for me tremendously this past few weeks, and I am certainly not the person that I was before. There's a knowledge of reality, of horrors, and pains that I had felt like I was protected from. Now my fears are painted so vividly around me, my horrors are my everyday living. I am not afraid of loosing my strength anymore because I know that I have plenty of it. I know because I could endure that and now I am forced to endure yet another thing. I know that my life is going to alright no matter what goes on because I still have my close net of friends that could catch me if things came to that, but right now all is decent.

If I told you all that I was happy then I would be a liar. I am not. Nor am I depressed, however. There are a good number of things that keep me warm that surround me with light in times of darkness... It is just that I know that somethings may not stay the same, that they will eventually evolve into...something different. Not necessarily bad, but different.

I talked to Saul for like an hour last night, and he made me so happy. I remembered just how much I missed his voice, the friendliness, the easiness to disclose any bit of information... I told him my secret, and he understood things perfectly. That was the great part about it, it felt like we had known each other for years... even tho we were only in division together and talked sporadically. It was like coming home to a good, reliable friend. Since I was feeling so bad yesterday because of J, it was a good relaxing factor of the night...that and the ice cream.

So, here I am. My week of complete hell and utter chaos coming to conclusion. I thought I was going to die without getting through the half of it.

But now I know who is the wisest, strongest of them all.

š

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what happened - what will happen