2004-10-02 - 10:12 p.m.

I think I have it all figured out, I know what everythings about... I was confused, and to some extent still am. But now the difference is that I am able to except our situation. Yesterday, to the people that I called in tears and screamed angry harsh words... Thats over and done with. I guess that to some extent I still feel that way, but... if I do not try now I will spend the rest of my time here wondering about the what ifs? I know that J and I are going to be in love and friends forever. I know that that will not fade. And as long as I can believe that we can make it, as long as I know that the two of us can hold true, as long as we show each other some affection, and as long as we believe that we might just make it through this year. If I do not have this to believe in my time here would be miserable, even more so than it already is sometimes...
I just love him too much. So much so that I will not be able to be with somebody else and give them my complete affection and love. I will not look at them with the same adoration, and desire... I cannot be with anybody else, and if I cannot be with J either I should just be alone for a while... I am an emotional wreck, a confused little girl. But I know what I love and need. And right now that is what I am fighting for.

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what happened - what will happen