2004-10-20 - 12:12 p.m.

What am I living for? Im waiting for something to happen because right now everything is constant, monotone and sad. J told me that he was going to come home for thanksgiving, that was one of the reasons that I decided not to fly out there for my small break... Now hes not coming.

I suppose that it would not be that big of a deal, rather that I should expect nothing and no words or visits with him until Christmas or the summer. But I dared to have a little faith that things would play out for us and that I would be able to see his face. When I was told that he was not coming my heart broke into pieces, but this was not the first time, I was used to being disappointed that did not stop the pain surging through my body. That pain turned into rage, rage into self deprication, and self deprication became self loathing. I was looking forward to that break more than anything, it was the light at the end of the tunnel, it was my motivator whenever I felt like wiping the world clean or myself. But my beacon has faded and was replaced by darkness and a more pronounced feeling of loneliness and alienation. I cried till my body was exhausted, till there were no more tears to come and then slept a restless sleep. I cannot find anyplace where I am safe, secure, loved and at peace with myself and the life that I am leading.

Thanksgiving is not going to be the same as last year when i was brought to my knees with happiness, thinking that i was the luckiest lady in the world. I remember thanking god over and over, feeling blessed and so overwhelmingly happy... This year I do not know if it will be the same. My life is good, i know that i should be appreciative of what i have, I know that I should open my eyes, start anew, erase everything... but that requires energy, something that i just do not possess right now. I do not feel blessed, i feel like something has turned its back upon me and i am staring into the abyss searching for what once was, and a part of me knowing that it will never return to me. I am thankful for antonio being here for me, for not giving up on me, for seeing something within me that i have lost track off. I am thankful for derrick for being such a wonderful friend, one of my pillars of support who is always accessible, always ready to spare a few minutes to listen and talk to me...

I will keep on trudging on, singing my songs and listening to the way the earth breathes in the morning... I live for the sunsets, I live for the gently morning fog and the clean scent of the morning air. I live for the voices of my past, and for the people who make up my present. I live for the poetry that I have yet to discover, for the rhythms of my body that i have not explored, for the passions that i have not yet unearthed. I still live. I do not hope for anything now, especially not with J, not with anything pertaining to home. Whatever happens happens, that is the way it was supposed to be, the way that is destined. I have tried to fight it with all of my strength, but all of my attempts have gone unanswered...if he doesnt even recieved my calls then what is the use of trying? so i have stopped calling, stopped waiting every hour for a word. I have stopped. A part of me has died this weekend. I have changed.

Does not change the fact that I feel betrayed, forgotten, cold, and discarded. Fuck that. Nobody has the right to mess around with me in this sort of way. even if they do not know that they are doing it. I will put myself together piece by piece, but i will not be the same trusting person. The walls that were discarded sophmore year are being resurrected, i am closing myself, turning myself away. This is how i will make it alright, with protection and a select group of buddies.

But I love Jeremy. And this is breaking my heart... so i can never hate him, leave him, cause him pain, i can never give up hope completely...thats just the way it will be...

š

š

what happened - what will happen