2004-10-25 - 8:15 a.m.

I was online talking to Jeremy last night for a little while and I asked him to send me a picture of himself. He did. And the moment I saw his face something inside me cracked and whatever it was that was holding my composure, my mind and heart together shattered. I found myself sitting at my desk with my headphones on and my back turned to the room crying. I just felt so terrible, so sad, and so far away from the only person that I know I should have kept close. All that I have had to look at have been pictures of us together back in Chicago, seeing this new one made me realize that he was actually alive somewhere else... that i was not chasing a memory, something that I was cligning to in desperation that would help me through my battle, my fears and overcome my obstacles.

But the feeling of loneliness suffocated me. I wanted nothing more than the feel of his arms around me, the warmth of his body next to mine on the bed that i sleep on... I wanted nothing more than to see him and hear him tell me that I was his heart.

Baby, I love you.

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