2004-10-31 - 1:44 p.m.

I went out last night with a whole bunch of people hoping that I could finally get away from everything that has been driving me insane this whole week. So I buried my worries, my problems, and the dull pain of his absense away. I just downed everything down until my head would not stop spinning, I cursed myself for having worn high heels and for having gone out in the first place... I had fun, but i felt really terrible at the same time, I couldnt feel myself and i forgot about everything...and hardly remember the going home part of the night.

But the dreams where the most frightening part... There was so much chaos, confusion, general feelings of disgust for everything dumb that ive done here, and pain. I was running away from people a lot, having individuals from my past come up to me and ask for my reasons of causing them pain, of drastically changing their life. my past mistakes came alive...

I just want to run away somewhere, away from everybody that i know so i could do my own thing... find myself, organize my thoughts. Because this is not working for me. Im miserable here again. AND im trying to give it a chance.... its not working. im not the person that i want to be or anything remotely close to it.

I miss Jeremy, and the life that we lead and theone that I dream about for the future. and i hope that christmas gets here quick fast and in a hurry.

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what happened - what will happen