2004-11-03 - 2:38 p.m.

Its days like these that make it harder to carry on. Especially when there is melancholy all around you, and the persistent heartache inside you is amplified till it is the only sound that you hear. AND you realized just how loud you cry at night, and just how much it hurts. The guilt that you carry in your heart turns to lead, rides your vein until everything is heavy and you are drained of your strength to carry on.

I feel like that now. Like I cannot breathe, like I do not want to. I am never at peace, I have not had a solid night of rest undisturbed by nightmares. My school work is wearing me away, and its making me invisiable. Im nervous, so I eat, and so I gain the weight that has no chance of being worked off.

If I disappear, who will really notice right away? Who here will miss me? Maybe one day I will try...but for now...

Fuck. I HATE HATE HATE HATE GIRLS!!!! i hate the fact that i got so upset, i hate the fact that i get so fucking jealous over dumb shit that other people can see you laugh smile walk hear you breath smell you and i cannot and i just want you to myself not to share you with anybody so that is why i got so wierd because last time around that holiday i was with you and i remember just thanking god over and over for having you near me and now i will be far from you still and it burns because i was looking forward to it even though i probably shouldnt have because i know how youre parents can get they have done this before and all i want to do is ditch everything that i am doing at the moment and just fly out there because if that doesnt happen really soon my sanity will crumble...i think i have some sort of disorder... depressed surely, thats not even up for questioning. when do i smile? when am i happy? when do i have a life? why do i drink? to fucking get away from life for a while and it works apparently because i dont remember anything and i dont remember sleeping anywhere i just dont fucking remember and im in so much pain and everybody need to die die die and i want to be mad and i want to hate and i want to run intill my legs give out and sometimes i just want to die

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