2004-11-17 - 10:36 a.m.

Yesterday night was just plain wierd. I was talking to my baby on the phone, and I did not feel anything. I was searching and searching so hard to find a way to quite this growing unease and upset within me, trying so hard to surpress this unreasonable agitation but in the end I had failed to do both and succumbed to the monster that resides within my heart. He was talking about life, how I should find some sort of purpose, find a reason to be happy, a thing into which I can give my whole energy to... I understood him, every word that he said, but somehow something in me was turned off and has been turned off so that I am virtually not under control. I do not know what it is that I should obsess on, love, take care of, do. I do not know what it is that will captivate me, inspire me and give me back that wonderful sense of completion that I have been lacking for the duration of my months here. I am... a hulk of irrevocable nothingness...a half person, someone who has no purpose, someone who does not really see things anymore. I do not see colour. Just grays and blues that surround me. What came of the conversation last night is the realization that I have had something that was vital within me extinguished, and that now I am suffering the repurcussions.

I have lost myself somewhere along the way.

So I walked away from my room, wearing two pairs of pj pants, several shirt, my UM hoodie and a coat. I wanted to walk, to feel silence, to think about how to find peace of heart again. I saw down on this hill overlooking a small pond behind the music school and just looked at the trees, the water and the sky. There was a trombone player standing on the other side playing scales, and the notes became trapped amongst the branches, tangled and danced around until then disappeared leaving a slight echo... the lights reflected in the water-which was only broken by the ripples caused by the ducks swimming about. It was peaceful, and I, the embodiment of all internal chaos was at war with my surroundings, sticking out sorely and not belonging.

I sat there, trying to call Jeremy back because our conversation had not really ended, and when I got a hold of him again was when I really lost control. He pointed out more imperfections, stupid things that I do, say, and act. He showed me how I could ruin a good thing... By the end I felt my heart turning blacker and my eyes stinging with tears. My cheeks flushed in anger and frustration until i could take it no more and i cried. Not at him, not completely anyway, but at myself for becoming this person-uncaring, ungiving, cold, demanding, mean, stressed out, and unhappy. I know my flaws, especially now, when I have become my own carping critic, and there is no need to point them out for me. I do not want pity either. Just to be comfortable with people, with myself. I cannot help anyone, be there for anyone until I get myself together because I have broken myself, and my spirits. I am in a constant state of denial, a living contradiction.....

Jeremy is trying though, harder than ever. But then I am falling harder than ever. So its hard so keep up with me I suppose. I need guidance and love more than anything right now.

So i was talking to him as I sat there in my favorite spot and Antonio arrived with a band (on a skateboard and almost busting his shit). He came to check up on me, nice of him, really. After I hung up with Jeremy I felt like uprooting the grass around me, disturbing the serenity of the scene because it felt like the world was mocking me with its beautiful perfection, stillness and calm. I was sitting there in silence feeling myself cave in, trying to surpress every negative emotion... Toni and I didnt really say anything. Just sat there looking at the water. Thinking. He was on a different plane than i was... I really dont know what he was experiencing at the moment, and I do not know him well enough to guess. I was screaming the loudest silent scream.

When my frustration lost its sharp edge I began to talk, not about my issues, but random conversation. By that time the ducks had managed to get out of the water and onto the grass and were walking around... We were sitting and 5 of them walked right up to us! they were pecking at my gymshoes and shoe laces, and when i reached my hand out one of them started pecking my ring....... goood times

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